this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
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u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
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I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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