This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
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For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
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I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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