Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
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