I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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