If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
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I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
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Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
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