Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
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I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
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After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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