you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
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Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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