i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're hired as official boob wrangler
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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