someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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