It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
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We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
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I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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