Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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