So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i think my tv is drunk
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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