You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
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all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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