he thought i was a dude.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Life is so much better after having sex.
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So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
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I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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