I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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