think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
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He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
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I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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