Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
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Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
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Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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