so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
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My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
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I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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