Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize