it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
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Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
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I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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