its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
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I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
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IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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