sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
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I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
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IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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