Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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