god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
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It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
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Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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