Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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