I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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