When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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