You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
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I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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