she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
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I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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