I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
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It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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