What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize