The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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