I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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