You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
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I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
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I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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