my phone needs a breathalizer
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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