I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
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I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
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Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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