I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
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This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
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I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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