So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
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The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
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Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
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