life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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