May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
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I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
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Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
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