I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
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Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
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They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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