Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
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You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
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Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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