im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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