if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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