I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
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i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
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I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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