Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
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I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
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I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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