are you still at the devil's house?
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
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do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
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I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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