mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
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I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
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at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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