I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gargled with NyQuil
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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