I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize